Hey people who don't exist, or those that might stumble across this accidently, or creeper parents.

its been a while.

but i'm having a thought. and its the answer to the question that nobody answers, so we are all are hit hard by it when it happens to us.

Its the cultural and social norm to push our children and youth to reach for their dreams. we see people rise to occasions and become heroes. we know people want to become rock stars, movie stars, chess club stars, whatever. but do you ever wonder why people like celebrities are so CRAZY!? Its because nobody ever told them what to expect once they GRASPED THEIR DREAMS.

What happens when you have reached your dreams? what then?

It has always been a dream of mine to play softball in college. i refused to go to a UW college because there's no good softball. i didn't just want to play, i wanted to be the best i could be. i am 21 and still have a little itty bitty speck of a dream of being a professional athlete. being an adult teaches me better than that, and that is not where i am called to be, but i still smile a little when i daydream about wearing a USA jersey. but anyway. i journeyed. i struggled, i never gave up, i didn't let anyone, especially my coaches, tell me that i was not good enough. i showed them all up. i went from being a nobody, a bench player, a bullpen catcher, to a major force, with a team high OBP and a pretty dang good batting average...until my end of the season slump. but i rounded out at a solid .333. i would say, i fulfilled my dream. when i look back on everything, it is staggering to see the progress that i made. my years were full of hard work, perseverance, commitment, and courage. i kept my integrity in situations i wasn't expected to, i made hard decisions when i needed to. i showed up.

so why am i still unsatisfied? i asked that question during my rise this past season. i started out saying, i just want a chance. i had goals, i had a god-glorifying foundation, i had good intentions. then things started happening. it went from i just want my chance, to i just want to be an asset, to i just want to start, play defense too, to i just want to catch... every time i stepped up, i wanted a bit more. so i think my end of the season slump was inevitable in some ways. the more you overthink, the more you start to make mistakes. i couldn't come back down from my towering ladder that i had to keep climbing. but i don't think that is why i am unsatisfied. through all of this i realized the reason why i was unsatisfied was that none of this matters. Softball is a game. it will end. there will be a time where i won't be able to say, "i will do better tomorrow." Softball is of this world. the experiences i have had through softball brought me to where i am and i am thankful for every minute of that. but softball didn't bring me here, God did.

the point of all of this is that reaching for you dreams is NOT the most important thing in life. You reach for your dreams and you work hard for them. BUT MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE GOD SIZED DREAMS, or else they will NEVER satisfy in the end. i struggle daily with being satisfied in fulfilling my dream. Fulfilling your dreams will not make you happy, but fulfilling God's dreams that he gives you to bring glory to the kingdom, will fulfill. They will bring you the joy and peace that you crave.

the thing about God sized dreams though, they usually take a lifetime to fulfill. You keep working. "never, never, never, give in - except to convictions of honor and good sense." - winston churchill

i visited the camp where my sister is working for the summer because i missed her. i volunteered while i was there, washing dishes and doing other work. but i got to meet and share my time with some amazing people! their company and conversation showed me that truly God was working wonders at this camp. it baffles me and leaves me in awe that with such a short encounter, people can have such a big impact. at the end of the week, it was my time to go back home. i always dread goodbyes, i dont really know why, but i would rather just bow out quietly than make a big scene. inevitably, i had to interact with some people when trying to leave. what broke me down was that when they said goodbye, they said... have a nice life. because, we both knew that this was probably the last time we would ever encounter each other on this earth. as i began to leave, that haunted me. maybe that is why i dont like goodbye. even with the best of friends there is potential finality, and i would rather avoid addressing that fact... if it happens to be the end, then i will cherish the time we spent, but if we see each other again, why bother making it awkward on goodbyes and hellos...idk...its a fault. BUT, not the point. the point IS... what do you do with the time you have. there is no point in being afraid or reclusive, because your opportunity for impact is NOW. i frequently miss my sense of urgency in situations. opportunities come in a single moment, and are gone. OUR LIFE IS BUT A MOMENT AND THEN IT IS GONE... our opportunity to be committed disciples of Christ is NOW... wow i wish i could demonstrate this all the time, dont you?

i didnt even do that much at camp in the short week i was there. but i know that the experience has changed me in a way i didnt think it would. it revealed God to me in yet another way, and there are people there that i look up to just because they were people who seemed to realize that their time is limited, and their character shines with light, just by being themselves. they exemplify what i want to become in Christ. Thanks to the staff of Big Sandy for being the vessels you were created to be.

so, ive been home from college and going to my old home church on sundays with my parents. and when you go away from something for a while and come back, you tend to notice things and catch a different perspective. ive been used to very animated church services for a while and i love getting to see people enveloped in their worship every sunday. at home church, its a different scene. its just routine for most of the people there now. they have been long time members, i know most of them from work or around the neighborhood. and in church they just sing. not loud, not whispers. not smiling, not frowning. the first way to describe it that comes to my mind is asleep. they sleep through their singing, they sleep through the words they worship with, they sleep through the pastors message (sometimes literally). and the words go in and out. unfortunately...it happens to me too. we sang "The Happy Song" today, and theres a part that says "I want to SHOUT IT OUT" and my dad and i SHOUTED it out. cause thats how it escapes my heart. we turned some heads, no big deal. but the lack of shine from the congregation in the songs...EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTEMPORARY SERVICE TODAY, WITH THE WORSHIP BAND.... caught up with me, and put me to sleep. the pastor made a futile attempt to liven the people up, but all i thought about was how empty the words felt in the room. and in me. im preachin to the choir here, i know my faults and my fears about the opportunities God gives me, and i am more accountable for them because of how aware i am of them. but in others, i feel that they are just blind...they dont see themselves how i see them, how i see myself. oblivious. unwilling. unmotivated. those words cut deep. and then i go home and watch my church online and feel the fire under me light. it cuts me to the heart to hear myself described as unmotivated. i let my home church atmosphere bring me down to my old ways. so i watch my church to spark myself back to life on sundays.

and this week they spoke about the DANGEROUS CHURCH. and how we need to become that. and its almost as if they were speaking directly to home church. they spoke about miracles and how God can still use them, and how our prayer for this week should be that God will chose to use his miracles. On tuesday, i agreed to fast and in place of food is prayer. prayer for miracles. so i think my prayer should be for a miracle for home church. the people and the pastor, that their eyes would be open, the pastor would keep speaking truth, and that a fire will be started under them again.

if you want to know more about the message of my church, go to www.lifechurch.tv, and click watch messages online. its amazing what God can do with a church willing to do anything short of sin to reach others. and be dangerous.